Alienating a Parent10:00 PM PDT on Saturday, August 5, 2006
MITCHELL ROSEN
There is no doubt in my mind that parental alienation exists, especially in cases of divorce. The scary thing is, it is not that hard to accomplish. If I were a mother and wanted to alienate my kids from their father, I would be able to do it in a matter of months. All I would have to do is convince my children that their father was the reason for any pain or suffering we might endure.
Isolating kids from their dad and then feeding them unrelentingly negative statements is all it would take to turn children against a parent they have previously loved.
"Your father is the reason we're not a family anymore. He chose his girlfriend and her children over our family. He doesn't send us the child support like he should; instead he takes his girlfriend on expensive vacations. I can't buy you the clothes you need for school because your father, and his lawyer, has tricked the judge into believing he doesn't have any money. ... Your father never cared about you, in fact, before you were born, he said he wished I would have aborted you. Yes, really, he did. But I'm sure if you ask him he'll deny it. Your father lies and lies and lies. If it wasn't for you kids, I don't know what I would do. You are my rock, my life, my reason for living."
Statements like these result in children beginning to hate their father and wanting to protect their mother. Even in situations where the father has spent an equal amount of time being with and raising the children, even then it is possible to brainwash children into believing their father is a monster.
As a therapist, I will get families referred to me for "reconciliation counseling" where the stated goal is to assist in reunifying the father with his children. Sometimes it is the other way around; it is the mother who is the "hated" parent and the father who is the "loved" relative, but in the majority of cases, the father is the parent who is vilified and demonized.
If both parents follow the orders of the Family Law Court, they know neither is supposed to talk negatively about the other parent or discuss child support. Unfortunately, a judge's order carries little weight with parents who are self-centered and vengeful. If the mother has succeeded in keeping the kids away from the father either by saying he doesn't care enough to try and visit or erasing his voicemails, then the children will settle into a new life where they believe Mom is all good and Dad is all bad.
I know if you are an alienated parent that it is heartbreaking to hear your children say they hate you. What I can offer is this: Never stop trying to see your children even though efforts may be blocked and your legal fees are enormous. Kids aren't stupid. There will come a time when they will mature and wonder why Dad wasn't there. At that time you can discuss how you never stopped trying. But if all you have to offer is, "I got so fed up I went on with my life without you," you run the risk of alienating the children yourself, by your own choice, independent of the mother.
Mitchell Rosen, M.A., is a licensed marriage and family therapist with practices in Corona and Temecula. Contact him at family@PE.com
www.EqualParenting.org
4 comments:
Thank you for the last paragraph. I am the father of a 12 year old girl. She accused me of trying to kill her and hitting her. The police came and took her away one month ago. She is seeing a counsler now and the counsler insists we will be together again. How do I get past this? I do want to give up, its the most painful experience of my life. But your note says never do this.
Do not forget 'Alienation' in care by social services who stop a child seeing it's parents or grandparents for the purpose of trouble free adoption. It is much easier to get a child adopted that has no family ties than to have then keep contact. Adoption without consent is on the cards in Scotland and spells disaster to the family.
This is very true, as I know from a friend's experience. Social Services won a freeing order just a year ago. She hasn't seen her two young sons since 17 March this year yet they still haven't been adopted. I also have personal of SS re Care Proceedings a few years ago - although I got my children back eventually. They did everything they could to alientate my children from me but it didn't work. At 11 & 12 my children knew the truth, that the social workers etc were lying, and could not be brainwashed. My number at work is 0114 2414432 if you want to learn more. I can prove all the professinals involved in my case lied, even though the local authority denied it when I complained.
Quote from article:-
" What i can offer is this, never stop trying to see your children,even though efforts may be blocked".
I'm sorry, i have to disagree with the above statement. Their comes a time after years of repeated contact orders broken and Judges,Solicitors,Cafcass officers listening and believing lies and NOT interested in the truth. And the existence of PAS. That you have to just walk away. The damage and pain that you see your Children suffering is just to painful to watch.
You will know yourself when its time to walk away.
You cannot fight a system that is so corrupt and biased against Fathers. Direct your energies and pain into changing the system.
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