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Lifeclass Extra: Save our dads
So many Telegraph readers are impassioned by the problem of fathers losing touch with their children after divorce that I'd like to invite readers to send their views in online, says Lesley Garner
Your view: Are we guilty of ignoring fathers' rights?
In this week's Lifeclass I highlighted, with the testimony of many of you, the inequities in the law.
The current system in the Family Courts divides parents into first and second class. One parent, usually, the mother, becomes first class, by virtue of being the resident parent. The other parent, usually the father, becomes second class, by simply being allocated visiting rights. But the second class can quickly become third class and then no class at all.
Disagreements, missed arrangements, the problem of maintaining a relationship with distressed children, prolonged court hearings and mounting costs drive a wedge between a father and his children. More and more evidence is coming in from readers that the system needs changing.
Responding to yesterday's article a father writes:
"Thank you for being one of the very first to highlight the plight of divorced fathers with such balance.
"I am one of the very few lucky ones in that, although my divorce was fairly acrimonious, my wife was always very keen that I should continue to have access on a shared basis. Until there is real momentum in the exposure of how many men ( and their children's grand parents) are marginalised by unfair procedures and the ineffectiveness and lack of balance within the family division, there will be ongoing anger.
"It takes real commitment and extraordinary effort by many men to put up with the vitriol from some women which so easily dissuades them from keeping in touch with their children. Especially when the courts do not enforce their decisions. All children are the losers."
Another father writes:
"I am a married father whose wife left me within weeks of our son being born. The last ten years have been almost unbelievable. Legal action for contact with my son continued for nine years. During this period I paid my solicitor over £100 per hour while my wife was legally aided. I also had child support payments to make to the CSA as contact with your children and liability to pay are not related issues.
"I have never been accused of any form of abuse, yet I have had no contact with my son for over a year, despite having an agreement reached through solicitors for my son to stay with me every second weekend. The courts do not enforce contact orders if the mother chooses to ignore them. This is a fact.
"After my ex-wife severed all contact with me my son went to pieces in class. I will never give up my struggle to be involved with my son despite the opposition of my wife, who is backed by the State."
What gives force to these arguments from Telegraph readers is that they are expressed by people across the board. It's not just fathers who feel disgruntled. The same message comes from wives, magistrates, grandparents and children who have lost contact with a father. Everyone wants to see a new emphasis put on the rights of children to have fathers and a new emphasis on shared parenting in the courts.
These are the views of a mother:
"I have come late to your discussion about fathers and families but was very moved by your column in the Telegraph today. Maybe you have a website where the discussion is ongoing and my comments could make a difference to other people who are going through difficult times.
"More than thirty years ago my husband left me when our son was less than six months old. My first reaction, frankly, was to go as far away as possible in order to deny him access to his son. I felt he had no right to his son. It did not take me long, however, to realise that his SON had an absolute and inalienable right to his FATHER.
"The ensuing years were not easy, to put it mildly. Both of us remarried and other children were born and I don't think matters were completely resolved until our son was married at the age of 27. But resolved they were and I have always felt that my decision was justified for my child's sake.
"However badly your husband has behaved or however badly you feel he has behaved your children have a right to their father and it is your duty to keep an avenue of communication open, where possible, for their sake."
This is my position on this issue. I agree with this mother. No matter the differences between parents, children need and have a right to both parents. I think there should be mandatory mediation in all cases where there is a dispute over children, before the matter goes expensively, and pointlessly, to court.
I can see, from the evidence of your experience, that there is a powerful case for the family court system to be overhauled and for the assumption of shared parenting to replace the present system of one primary and one secondary parent.
It's over to you. What do you think?
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21 comments:
I too am one of the very few lucky fathers who have managed to arrange 50% accees. The only way i did it was by virtue of money power, i went to court straight away and threatened to go 4 / 5 times ayear as much as would be necessary to acheieve my goal in the end my Ex simply backed down as she did not want to spend a fortune in solicitors fees. The current system completey works against fathers / non resident parents and the saddest part is that goverenment know this and to do absolutely nothing. My personal recommendation would be to make mediation mandatory thus ensuring that mothers and fathers work together for thier children rather than let the courts decide who have proven to all that they are completely biased.
The families court urgently require the intellect of a Lord Denning to change the law to deliver unsuspecting failies from an appalling mess created by the courts.
i cant see how you have so much hassle u dads im a mum and my ex just took my son from school his family friends and grandparents and the judge let him get away with it,even though i had full residence order he can do why cant you
My partner split with his ex about nine years ago after she owned up to having an affair with a neighbour. Shortly after she asked my partner to forgive her and try again, they had two children at the time. He didn't feel that he could rebuild the trust after her betrayal and said no. She swore on that day to punish him by making sure he never saw his children again. Knowing full well that she would be backed 100% by the courts she did just that, and it almost destroyed him. Even when the courts told her she must allow him access, she didn't turn up, and they responded with nothing. When things were not going her way, she started making accusations, he was a violent drunk. She did what it took to put an end to it until my partner had his parental responsibilities revoked. He could have continued to appeal the decision, but he didn't have the finances to continue, having already been involved in the legal wrangling for over two years. Thankfully after six years, his eldest daughter got in touch at the age of sixteen, when the mother could no longer stop her. Unfortunately they had already missed out on so much toghether by then. The courts, allowed this hate campaign to be waged against my partner, and in the process destroyed three lives, that of my partner and his two children. Never at any time were the children and their rights taken in to consideration by the mother or the courts. Unfortunately I am afraid this case is probably not isolated, far too often are women allowed to use their children as bargaining stakes, or punishment. Its terrible. I have written personally to my local MP's, the Labour Government and even Tony Blair himself and Lord Sutton, and I can tell you, no one was interested, no one, the only thing they care about is making absent fathers pay, whatever it takes to reduce the burden in beneft claims. They are not interested in what is best for the children, or how to keep parents working together in the interest of their children. They are not interested in the reasons why some fathers dont pay maintenance, or how fatally flawed the CSA is. They are too busy with foreign affairs to look in to how they are responsiblefor destroynig the family unit in UK. There are so many influencing factors to discuss I could go on forever. My own opinion is that parents, both mother and father, should be forced by law to take equal responsibility for their children. After a relationship break up, courts should take a step back, stop handing out punishments, visiting rights, red tape lalalalala... and start working with both parents, encouraging and where necessary enforcing communication, if only for the sake of the children. They really are the ones who matter, somthing all too often forgotten!
My partner split with his ex about nine years ago after she owned up to having an affair with a neighbour. Shortly after she asked my partner to forgive her and try again, they had two children at the time. He didn't feel that he could rebuild the trust after her betrayal and said no. She swore on that day to punish him by making sure he never saw his children again. Knowing full well that she would be backed 100% by the courts she did just that, and it almost destroyed him. Even when the courts told her she must allow him access, she didn't turn up, and they responded with nothing. When things were not going her way, she started making accusations, he was a volent drunk. She did what it took to put an end to it until my partner had his parental responsibilites revoked. He could have continued to appeal the decision, but he didn't have the finances to continue, having already been involved in the legal wranglings for over two years. Thankfully after six years, his eldest daughter got in touch at the age of sixteen, when the mother could not longer stop her. Unfortunately they had already missed out on so much toghether by then. The courts, allowed this hate campaign to be waged against my partner, and in the process destroyed three lives, that of my partner and his two children. Never at any time were the children and their rights taken in to consideration by the mother or the courts. Unfortunately I am afraid this case is probably not isolated, far too often are women allowed to use their children as barganing stakes, or punishment. Its terrible. I have written personally to my local MP's, the Labour Government and even Tony Blair himself and Lord Sutton, and I can tell you, no one was interested, no one, the only thing they care about is making absent fathers pay, whatever it takes to reduce the burden in beneft claims. They are not interested in what is best for the children, or how to keep parents working together in the interest of their children. They are not interested in the reasons why some fathers dont pay maintenance, or how flawed the CSA is. They are too busy with foreign affairs to look in to how they have single handedlie allowed the family unit in the UK to be destroyed. There are so many influencing factors to discuss I could go on forever. My own opinion is that parents, both mother and father, should be forced by law to take equal responsibility for their children. After a relationship break up, courts should take a step back, stop handing out punishments, visiting rights, red tape lalalalala... and start working with both parents, encouraging communiction, if only for the sake of the children. They really are the ones who matter, somthing all too often forgotten!
II pretend & play happy families with my partner of +10 years & have not left because I know that if I did, she would with the assistance of the courts, prejudice toward men / fathers & the lack of rights of the individual in this country alienate me & I would lose all contact with my kids by default. I only hope that on balance, by staying, I am not damaging them & that benefits to them of being able to see, associate, live, love & learn with ‘us’ outweighs the stress of remaining. She is not aware of this situation, if she did become aware I would probably end up homeless as well.
When the last son grows up & leaves home I will be a couple of weeks behind him! She can then ponder the rest of her life on her own or find another partner of her desire. I will have lost ~20 years of life in a meaningful relationship but gained a fathers loving relationship with my kids, avoided being ripped off subsidising her & some surrogate ‘dad’ &paying for all the bloody lawyers who are the real low life of this situation.
My partner split with his ex about nine years ago after she owned up to having an affair with a neighbour. Shortly after she asked my partner to forgive her and try again, they had two children at the time. He didn't feel that he could rebuild the trust after her betrayal and said no. She swore on that day to punish him by making sure he never saw his children again. Knowing full well that she would be backed 100% by the courts she did just that, and it almost destroyed him. Even when the courts told her she must allow him access, she didn't turn up, and they responded with nothing. When things were not going her way, she started making accusations, he was a volent drunk. She did what it took to put an end to it until my partner had his parental responsibilites revoked. He could have continued to appeal the decision, but he didn't have the finances to continue, having already been involved in the legal wranglings for over two years. Thankfully after six years, his eldest daughter got in touch at the age of sixteen, when the mother could not longer stop her. Unfortunately they had already missed out on so much toghether by then. The courts, allowed this hate campaign to be waged against my partner, and in the process destroyed three lives, that of my partner and his two children. Never at any time were the children and their rights taken in to consideration by the mother or the courts. Unfortunately I am afraid this case is probably not isolated, far too often are women allowed to use their children as barganing stakes, or punishment. Its terrible. I have written personally to my local MP's, the Labour Government and even Tony Blair himself and Lord Sutton, and I can tell you, no one was interested, no one, the only thing they care about is making absent fathers pay, whatever it takes to reduce the burden in beneft claims. They are not interested in what is best for the children, or how to keep parents working together in the interest of their children. They are not interested in the reasons why some fathers dont pay maintenance, or how flawed the CSA is. They are too busy with foreign affairs to look in to how they have single handedlie allowed the family unit in the UK to be destroyed. There are so many influencing factors to discuss I could go on forever. My own opinion is that parents, both mother and father, should be forced by law to take equal responsibility for their children. After a relationship break up, courts should take a step back, stop handing out punishments, visiting rights, red tape lalalalala... and start working with both parents, encouraging communiction, if only for the sake of the children. They really are the ones who matter, somthing all too often forgotten!
My ex Wife refuses to hand over my son for contact (As per my 5th Court Order) and I have not seen him now since before my last & what is laughingly called, 'Final Court hearing' on 11th July 2006. My Ex seems to view the Court Orders with complete contempt & week by week she has some new excuse as to why I cannot see the children.
My son is only 6.5 years old and I have been trying to have contact with him since he was four, in all of that time my ex wife has not once passed him over into my custody.
I have also been trying to arrange psychological help for my 11 year old daughter (With whom I have had no contact at all since January 2004 but have been met with resistance from both my ex wife and her legal representative, State Funded of course.
I have also been to various other local authority bodies to seek assistance but none are willing to help.
With 2 damming CAFCASS reports,
an equally unsavory psycological report,6 Contact hearings & 5 Court orders, all in my favour, I have got absolutely nowhere.
LETTER TO THE TELEGRAPH FROM A DAD WHO HAS BEEN EXCLUDED FROM HIS SON'S LIFE TOTALLY FOR NO GOOD REASON - THE COURTS DID NOTHING & THE MEDIA SAT IDLY BY!
Dear Sir,
I read your article entitled "Your view: Are we guilty of ignoring fathers' rights?" with mixed emotions. The first one being pleased that you were finally publicising the situation in a more neutral way than has been done in the past. The second, was one of sorrow that it had taken you so long to do so.
I have not seen my son for over 6 years now, which unfortunately is not uncommon.
I am relentlessly pursued by the CSA to support a mother that will not work. I realise that is not the way that it is presented, but it is the truth of the matter. The money that they are asking from me is to reduce her burden on the state, so let me ask the question: what percentage of that money goes to the child, as against supporting the mother?
I engaged our legal system to assist me for over 6 years, representing myself to keep the costs reasonable. This in turn cost the tax-payer almost 100,000 pounds which they kindly donated to the legal services commission, which they forwarded to my ex-wife so that she could continue to distance me from our son.
I took the case all the way to the supreme court of appeal, slightly unusual, but a sign of my love for our child. The then President, Dame Elisabeth Butler-Sloss agreed with me that not enough had been done to keep the relationship alive, and referred the case back to the same incompetent idiots that had got it wrong in the first place.
My case ended up back at the Royal Courts of Justice, and was given specifically to Sir Nicholas Wall, the senior judge tasked by the government to "Make Contact Work".
Sir Nicholas did nothing at all to make contact work. Absolute zero. (Although still got paid for doing a job that he was so obviously unable to so.)
You, your newspaper was there when he made his judgement, so were the Times, the Mail, and many other newspapers. You witnessed me, in 2002, accuse him in OPEN Court of child abuse. Because that is what it is at the end of the day, abusing children by preventing them from having the love of BOTH parents. Why should they have to settle for the love of one parent, when the love of both parents is available to them?
And you refused to publish it! Did the court gag you? Did you at that time think that I was joking? Did you at that time think that the system was working and is only now starting to fail? I think not. I think that all along you knew there were problems, but did not want to publish it.
I offer you the same chance again now. I accuse Sir Nicholas Wall of child abuse. He did nothing to make things better, and nothing to ensure that my son had the love of both parents. For your reference, details of Sir Nicholas can be found at http://www.number10.gov.uk/output/Page5318.asp where he is still being paid enormous amounts of money to abuse parents and children alike.
My son will be 15 in two weeks time. Publish my letter please, and let's hope that he reads it. Happy Birthday son. I still love you, still want to be allowed to be a parent to you, and will NEVER give up.
As for Sir Nicholas? Did you think I would go away? Not going to happen. As soon as I get to see my son again, and as soon as he confirms his love for his father, you will see me again. I promise.
My ex partner has been granted permission by the courts to remove my son, who is 6, from the courts jurisdiction - namely to emigrate to Australia.
She has no real finance in place and is going to live with her sister until she has enough money to get a place for her and her 3 kids to live including my son. Do the courts really care that their standard of living could be poor in comparison to what I can and do offer him, NO.
My only hope is that the Australian government veto her application in some way, one thing is for sure I am not holding my breath everything else has gone against me and am now just looking forward to my yearly trip to Australia, oh, and the odd phonecall.
What really worries me is that the courts don`t enforce contact orders when people live around the corner so what hope do I have if she decides to deny me access in Australia!!!!
My ex partner has been granted permission by the courts to remove my son, who is 6, from the courts jurisdiction - namely to emigrate to Australia.
She has no real finance in place and is going to live with her sister until she has enough money to get a place for her and her 3 kids to live including my son. Do the courts really care that their standard of living could be poor in comparison to what I can and do offer him, NO.
My only hope is that the Australian government veto her application in some way, one thing is for sure I am not holding my breath everything else has gone against me and am now just looking forward to my yearly trip to Australia, oh, and the odd phonecall.
What really worries me is that the courts don`t enforce contact orders when people live around the corner so what hope do I have if she decides to deny me access in Australia!!!!
>> dominic said...My personal recommendation would be to make mediation mandatory...
I'm afraid that mandatory mediation may not be practical, since mediation seems to function only where both parties have the wish to make it work - which is often not the case. Currently a mother can win everything (except the love of her children) simply by doing nothing. Everything defaults to her advantage if she adopts an approach of simple intransigence and refuses to comply with anything. Furthermore apart from being biased, unaccountable, expensive and apparently powerless against the wishes of mothers, the Court system is adversarial and serves only to exacerbate the problem by encouraging solicitors to line their pockets by deliberately polarising the parents in order to 'create' and drag out a fight.
In view of this, the legal presumption of equal rights and resonsibilities for both parents (except in the rare cases of parents proven unfit) and a free social system of support to help parents make equal contact work as the expected norm, seems to me the only way forward.
A mothers view :- I parted from my ex husband back in Jan 03, foolishly i also left my 2 children in his care, as I knew i was taking my "love" away and i didnt want to take everything away!!! I have now been fighting for 3 years to gain proper contact with my children. We only went to court in Jan 06 because before that I was attempting to leave the courts out of it, but it became obvious that "he" was goin to be very awkward about my visits. Things were bad before, but after he re-married they got even worse!!! There are difficulties as my children live in Bristol and i live in London but I have had my contact CUT by the courts, from weekend visits every 3rd weekend in London to 1 visit per month in Bristol. My daughter who is 7, has started being very disruptive at school and at home, my son is 5 and also displays problems, which my ex husband wants me to reprimand them on in my 2x a week phone calls YET he still wants to lay all the blame at my door and tells anyone who is interested that the children only play up when they have had a visit with me and this seems to be supported by the courts actually cutting the contact that i have!!
As far as i can see everything is weighed against the non-resident parent, had i not gone thru it myself i would never have believed how useless the courts are at enforcing their court orders!! Or even of putting the child first, my children are suffering, the reasons seem obvious but still the courts and CAFCASS etc prefer to ignore everything.
It is not just non resident fathers that the court seem to have no regard for they do the same to mothers!
The VETO - Resident parents (normally mums)can effectivly veto contact with the noin resident parent. If the mum says "I dont want contact, CAFCASS will not say why, but report back to the Court "The mum is against contact and it might upset the chiuldto go against the wishes of the child" Its a optional veto and CAFCASScan just hide behind "best interest of the child" beacause this cannot be argued against.
i have read the comments on this page and it makes me fill with tears, i am a proud father of a 4year old, i have spent 3.5 years in and out of court my x has broken 3 court orders only once threatend with jail in oct 05 by a wonderfull judge, of course when that happend she wanted to play ball it lasted 3 weeks!!,i have had thrats from here father, last 2 boyfriends and im now in a the middle of a custody hearing that i instegated,she has used the word domestic voilence many times to cafcass and of course the courts though it was me whom cancled the wedding and asked to seperate to her drink and voilence towards me, shes used the police and then withdrawn her allergations, ive had social services involved due to 4 allergations from my son about abuse from her current partner, cafcass are incompetent and unproffesional and will always stand by the resident parent, i have been on sick off and on for 3 years near sucidal but of course thats my own fault. whats the point of having court orders if they can break them and nothing happens, i have seen my contact reduced even though i havent come to the end of the hearing again descrimination!! but of course in court shes whiter than white nevr done nothing wrong and now blamingme for taking her to court and telling the judge that it was my fault contact didnt take place becuase i would refuse, again a typical lie. i have on 2 occassions through fustration failed to return my son and of course i have been chastised for this in cafcases reports but not once mentioned that my x has broken every court order!! my son has become confused and agressive towards me kicking and punching me when i have to return him and he doesnt want to leave me. when is are the courts going to give non resident parents a equal partneship in loving and taking care of there children. we are classless people whom are suffering from a stupid and expensive system that does nothing to make its self work. instead it takes the easy option every time, i have dlet with 6 different judges,god knows how many magistrates and not one has brought her to task, to me it should be 3 strikes and your out!! then more resident parents would get there head round the fact we also love our children and have a right and a say in the welfare and upbringing of our children. i have felt like walking away many times but i know then my son would blame me for going, i cannot win , your damed if you do your damed if you dont! her x in court has said he would not be botherd if i didnt see my son again as he wants me out of his and there lifes of course that makes him a hypocrite as he has 2 children whom he cant take on holiday or even have over night!! but of course hes not botherd about his children otherwise he would of done something about it! i know that im going to lose the best i can hope for is that i see my son most weekends but if my x has her way it will be every 2 weeks!! and thats supposed to be been a parent, even cafcass said that was the norm!! idiots yet again! if i play good boy and beg she may play ball untill it suits her not to well , i have morals and principles and it took me as well as her to make our son. my son is a possesion to use as a tool against me to make me suffer and that is why mostly women use this power over there x partner, the stats prove that nearly 49% of court orders are broken in the first year and this the courts do nothing about, judges should be ashamed of there selfs in letting contempt of court just happen but they do again and again, my x has told me time and time again her solicitor said she can get away with it as the courts wont do anything and always believe her and do you know what shes bloddy right! but for the sake of my son whom is the most important person out of this i will fight for equal justice till the day i die!! becuase my love is not second class infact my slove is stronger as i would never use my child as a porn in a game of punishment!!!
change the law and make a difference to a childs life becuase they deserve it!
darren johnson. leeds
My partner is currently battling with the court system for access to his to sons. His marrage broke up over 3 and a half years ago and one child was 5 and the other 11. His ex wife used the two children to blackmail him and made them phone him crying. She treated them and him like dirt to gain power and control of the whole situation until they eventually just said they did not want anything to do with him and would not speak to him on the phone. The mother painted a totally untrue picture of the situation and told them that he didn't really care about them and they didn;t need him accept for money of course. He was put in an impossible situation by a mother who cannot be called a mother because she did not put the needs of the children first. She mentally abused the childrens right to love both parents and to enable them to think freely for themselves. They are totally brainwashed. Surely this is a form of child abuse. She even bribed him by saying that if he went to court the children would hate him even more. She kept them dangling on a piece of string in front of him and forced him not to do anything to upset the children. As a last resort going to court this year seems to be almost farcicle. The sheriff beleiving every word two brainwashed children said even though at there age they should not have the knowlege and certainly did not understand what there comments actually meant. The Sheriff then belittling the father in front of the alienating mother who did not have to answer for any of the boys behaviour. The only comfort is that he is not alone in this situation but there is litrally no help out there for these desparate parents most of whom are fathers. It is time that the government looked long and hard at what is going on in our courts and take note that they are not helping families and most of all they are letting the children down. It should be an offence for any parent to use children in this way. The children should be taken away from these alenators and custody should be given to the BETTER PARENT. Fathers are Voters too. Feels good to have the opportunity to express this and hope someone takes note of all these comments.
dear sirs I am back to court in march in london courts of injustice i have be trying to see my son for five years with over 50 court hearing,in that time i have had a break down and spent over 150 000 pounds to try and have contack with my son who i was very close to and he with me.my last wish to the court will be to have my case made public so people can learn by there mistakes what they have done to my son and me. as for my ex wife i have never come across someone so evil as her, how she got away with what she did and say is so wrong, Judges told here off and put penal notices on here but to no avail.As you can see on this web site i am not alone.How can these courts continue to carry on,when i left home my wife told me i never see my son again,i said we let the courts decide that (thinking justice prevails). how wrong i was, from a heart broken dad who now has to walk away but be sure i will make public what has happen to me
what about a mother who was married to a man who took no notice of their child, never got up at night, or helped look after her. Was verbally abusive and either lost his temper or sobbed at every opportunity. One day he attacked the mother in front of the child and the police were called. This was the final straw and she filed for a divorce. The husband once deprived of the child suddenly wanted access and is again making their lives a misery. Should this man be given access?
In answer to the above violence cannot be used in front of children ever. What about the emotional violence children suffer at the hands of heartless mothers who abuse their position as to think properly and guide children in an appropriate manner. Those who shout down the phone when children can only hear a one sided conversation and think that the dad on the other end is being bad to mum. Mothers should pay for there silent abuse and have the children taken away from them. They are disgusting bullies.
I would like some advice, my partner of three ytears has decided that she is leaving me, to which I am left wondering how I am able to keep a normal father - son relationship with my little boy ? she says I can see hime whenever I wish, but have I any case for applying for resident parent status or is it automatically the mother that gets this ?
i AM A FATHER WHO IS STRUGGLING TO SEE HIS CHILDREN DUE TO WORK COMMITMENTS. IF I HAD THE FINANCES I WOULD SPEND MORE TIME WITH THEM. ITS NOT FAIR I GET NO BENEFITS EVEN THOUGH WE AGREED TO EQUAL ACCESS. MY RENT IS HIGH SO ARE MY BILLS. I PAY MAINTENANCE, BUT HAVE LIMITED TIME WITH THEM ITS AWFUL.
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