How Divorce Wars Take A Toll On Kids
Children Are Often Caught In The Middle Between Feuding Parents
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"It's easy to teach a child to hate. Courts are now recognizing this is a serious problem."
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Richard Warshak, author
(CBS) Children often get caught up in their parents' divorce battles, forced to take sides. As Tracy Smith reports, "parental alienation" can take a serious toll on kids.
Experts tell Smith that a child easily picks up the hostile cues of one parent toward another. And whether those cues are subtle or intentional, either way the child suffers and can carry that burden into adulthood.
One girl who loved both parents very much but got caught in divorce crossfire is Victoria Peters.
Her parents also loved her — so much that they spent hundreds of thousands of dollars and five years battling in court to win custody.
"It was gut wrenching," remembers Victoria's father, Kevin Peters. "The whole thing was strange."
Franny Carney, Victoria's mom, says, "It's hell. It's like living in hell."
It was not an ordinary custody case.
Victoria's father claims that for years, while his ex-wife had full custody, she led a campaign to turn his daughter against him, what some experts refer to as "parental alienation."
"It's easy to teach a child to hate. Courts are now recognizing this is a serious problem," explains author Richard Warshak. "The children's affections are being poisoned against the other parent."
Kevin says the alienation campaign began with last-minute changes to his scheduled visits with Victoria.
"It was always an excuse that, on my weekend, there was some reason she couldn't come," Kevin says.
But Franny says she did not deny him visits.
"My daughter was locked in a closet when I called," Kevin tells Smith. Her mother would say, 'Lets go get in the closet. It's your dad.' "
Months went by. Kevin lost his temper. The police were called. His visits then had to be supervised. But even then, he says, his ex-wife continued to prevent him from seeing Victoria.
Franny contends that Kevin, who suffers from chronic depression, was emotionally unstable.
"I was frightened of him, ya know? When he was out of line, me and my daughter hid in the back of the bathroom," Franny says.
As charges mounted against Kevin, a court-appointed evaluator had to decide: Were these charges real or was there a concerted effort by Franny to turn Victoria against her father?
"Parental alienation is one of the common dynamics that occurs in high-conflict cases," says Daniel Stockley, a parental evaluator.
"The mother had difficulty, in this case, of letting go of, almost like an obsessive thought, that the child was at risk," says Stockley.
(At 8 years old, Victoria is skilled in the language of diplomacy. "I like living with my mom and I like living with my dad, so ..." she tells Smith.
But sometimes children are forced to take sides.
"I couldn't love my mom and my dad at the same time. I felt bad," says Michelle Martin, an adult child of divorce. Michelle says she was alienated from her father as a child.
"It shocked me how quickly and dramatically I changed my opinion of him. I would have nothing to do with him," she recalls.
According to experts, Michelle's case is typical because, when pressed, she couldn't tell anyone why she was so angry.
"He hadn't done anything to hurt me. And so, when I was asked for details, I didn't have them," she says. "I still, to this day, have to live with the mean things I said to him. The letters that I wrote to him. There are things I did purposely to hurt him."
Victoria, who was caught in a similar crossfire, had been in therapy since she was 3, frequently accompanied by her mother. It wasn't until the therapist's notes were finally subpoenaed that a disturbing pattern emerged that turned Kevin's case around.
"The telltale one is 'My mom says there's a side of my dad that I've never seen before, real mean.' And the therapist says, 'Have you ever seen that side?' 'No.' 'Do you believe it's there?' 'Yeah, I always believe my mom,' " says Kevin's attorney, Robert Fry.
Page after page of citations documented Victoria's growing fear and distress.
"The evidence was overwhelming that the relationship with the father was beginning to suffer," says Stockley.
In April 2005, in a startling decision, the court found that "an immediate change of custody appears to be in the best interest of the child" and Kevin was awarded full custody of Victoria.
"I was excited and stunned a little bit at the same time," Kevin remembers.
Ironically, it is Franny Carney, who now, because of what the court saw as alienating behavior, cannot see her daughter without a supervisor.
"I raised her for seven and a half years. I was involved in every area of her life," Franny says.
The court did not deny that she was a conscientious parent but the ruling made clear Victoria needed to see both her parents. The daughter Franny fought so hard to protect is living with her father
"I just come in to the house and I sit down and I cry," says Franny.
Victoria is reluctant to talk about any of it now. "I just mind my own business.
I love them both. It doesn't matter whose side I am on," she says.
As for Kevin, he's just happy for every moment he has with his daughter.
"I don't want her to think I'm a Superman or a hero or anything. I just want her to, you know, say 'My dad did what he was supposed to do,' " Kevin tells Smith, crying.
Experts say alienation can happen with both moms and dads. But this concept is still very controversial because charges of parental alienation have been used falsely in the past to defend fathers who really are abusive. And if the courts believe them, the abusive dads can get their children back.
www.EqualParenting.org
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5 comments:
I fully understand where this article is coming from. I also understand the latter part of this article with reference to Alienation Syndrome and a woman being wrongly accused. This happened to myself but thankfully it didn't get to the stage where courts were involved. I have NEVER stopped OUR daughter from seeing her father, never made it difficult in any way. There has been however "spanners thrown in the works" by the NRP. He has gone against court orders on several ocassions and put my extended family at risk. I believe that people in the good old US of A are too quick to label a person with AS. If we are not careful this will happen in the UK. OUR daughter now has a NRP that has withdrawn all his court applications and has sent numerous nasty letters to OUR daughters school and doctors (I gave him the addresses) and he has demanded that he no longe rhas contact of any way shape or form. What happens about those NRP's that are alienating themselves against their children. Nothing is said about that. The RP is the one that has to pick up the pieces on these ocassions. I do not see the bad in anyone although I should have reason to with my ex husband but life is too short. I feel that this website is extremely anti women although you do not state this. I have been a member on this site for over two years now, as is my ex husband and also his American girlfriend. I have hgad to put up with my full name being posted on the forums of the website by my ex husband. This stayed on the forums until I asked for it to be taken off. Blasphemy is still present on the Forums when searching under internet search engines and their cahced files. No wonder women out there feel the way they do! Not ALL of us women are suffering from this AS rubbish. I truly want my daughter to have the best involvement with her biological father as possible but it seems he is more interested in building a relationship with his new step family. The system is not fair and parents (be they male or female) should not be allowed to run hot and cold with their feelings and expressions towards their children. This whole business has left OUR daughter insecure and she is only just turning herself around. She, unfortunately, despises her father through his means and she sees neglect and no-show for contacts, and the little things like no Christmas or Birthday cards. Something should be done more about the children emotions being torn apart more than trying to label either parent with a problem. If one parent keeps running hot then cold that is not safe grounds for that child and their emotional state. Afterall, what do we have our children for not to give them away when they are ill cause we cant cope or dont want them that week because of some feeble excuse. I would NEVER give up on any of my three children let alone the one I am commenting about. It's about time this website put something on here about the children and supporting those parents that genuinely care about their children!
You think your comments are fair. Not as far as my partner is concerned. Fighting the courts to see his sons who he loves very much and would never do a thing to hurt them. Their mother has brainwashed and poisoned two innocent childs heads to beleive that their own father is evil and doesn't care about them. The courts opinions are ludicrous and anti dad. Ridicioulous. A simple set of questions to the children will easily show that coaching and alenation is happening and especially in the light of the childrens ages. Time the courts recognised this kind of abuse. They are keen enough to protect against child abuse and this is just another form of it. Fathers love their children just as much as mums and for a mother to use her children to make a dad suffer is disgraceful and she should not have custody. Can she really love her children to do this to them, or is it herself she is protecting to gain the sympathy. Despite all the nasty comments she has made to his sons he would never mis call their mother to them. Support dads as well. Most alienating parents are the mothers!!! She will end up paying for this one day once the children are old enough to realise that their dad fought to see them and she contested it every step of the way. The Brittish court system is rubbish and the dads are treated like criminals.
You think your comments are fair. Not as far as my partner is concerned. Fighting the courts to see his sons who he loves very much and would never do a thing to hurt them. Their mother has brainwashed and poisoned two innocent childs heads to beleive that their own father is evil and doesn't care about them. The courts opinions are ludicrous and anti dad. Ridicioulous. A simple set of questions to the children will easily show that coaching and alenation is happening and especially in the light of the childrens ages. Time the courts recognised this kind of abuse. They are keen enough to protect against child abuse and this is just another form of it. Fathers love their children just as much as mums and for a mother to use her children to make a dad suffer is disgraceful and she should not have custody. Can she really love her children to do this to them, or is it herself she is protecting to gain the sympathy. Despite all the nasty comments she has made to his sons he would never mis call their mother to them. Support dads as well. Most alienating parents are the mothers!!! She will end up paying for this one day once the children are old enough to realise that their dad fought to see them and she contested it every step of the way. The Brittish court system is rubbish and the dads are treated like criminals.
Forensic Psychologist Daniel Stockley has a history of diagnosing women of being so called parental alienators. His reports are known to be marginal, biased, full of falsehoods and half truths, and he selectively forgets or remembers information during his evaluations. He is using this attention as a stepping stone to get exposure as a psychologist and further his career, as he biases case after case with his personal baggage from his own divorce from his first wife. Not suprisingly, he twisted the law and used his Psychology background to run his ex/wife into the ground and take away custody of their children and she eventually got her home forclosed on and went into financial ruin. All the while, he has this poor womans kids calling his new wife Mommy. This guy is re living his custody battle of revenge through all the fathers he sides with!!! He has a lot of skeletons in his closet and if he was ever to go through a custody evaluation with his own children by a FAIR and UNBIASED professional, he would be hoping karma doesn't catch up. I have met with and interviewed SEVERAL women that have been accused of being PAS Moms by Daniel Stockley. Dont be surprised if you see him in litigation soon after he is eventually exposed. Look him up on OSCN.net. Its all public information.
A CHILD’S POINT OF VIEW OF PAS
My name is Chrissy. I’m the founder of ~Survivors not Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website. But this chapter is on PAS and how it effected me.
When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fulfill our dreams of being a husband and father. This was shattered shortly after the courting was over. My mother and I where very much abused by this man. I was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look him in the eye during these periods. I would get flush my ankles would itch the butterflies in my stomach would be overwhelming. I tell you these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your mind even after all this.They eventually had my 2 wonderful brothers.
After years of abuse I often wondered why she put up with it. I saw and heard alot of things. I was also old enough to remember alot of it. To my brothers I was the best big sister. When they where scared I reassured them. When they where happy I smiled. I took alot of heat to keep that promise of a sister to them. They where the happiest part of my childhood. My mom after many years finally got the guts to leave. He tricked her and said she would get us and he would leave. But it was all a lie. I cant stress enough my mom never LEFT us. But we where led to believe this.
I would watch this strong man fall to the ground in tears so I could hold him to tell him everything would be OK. I started getting angry with my mom. Little by little I heard when I was little my mom was a prostitute, she cheated on him, she left all of us, if she gets you I ll never see you again. Ill kill myself was his all time favorite. I could go on and on about all the things I heard about my mom. I all of a sudden started to feel loved. I was the daughter he needed me to be. I was the new caretaker in the family. He needed me. I started to hate my mother. I never noticed I was being BRAINWASHED. Why is she hurting daddy? where my thoughts. I was lost, confused, torn. I felt wanted and unwanted all the same time. I was becoming his therapist being told things a daughter shouldn’t probably hear. My mind was racing with thoughts. Keep in mind I was old enough to remember all the things that happened before the split. Even with all this memory I choose him. He would set me up to get info on my mom when we visited her steal notes listen to phone conversations anything that he could get on her. Even when he said they should talk she would come over and he would without her knowledge tape the conversations. This situation was not normal. He wasn’t normal. But I saw it all and still I choose him. The game parents play with the what did mom/dad say about me is emotionally crippling to a child. we feel torn in your web of manipulation. Stop!! As a parent its your job to care for us. We trust you because you are the parent. Its a PRIVILEGE. I got to a point that I felt like I was going crazy but I hated my mom his plan was working and in full force. We where emotionally kidnapped from her. That’s what PAS is. The only way for me to describe it is we are pieces on a chess board the parent keeps moving us pawns but we will never hear the words “checkmate” because we don’t know we are playing this game. He is mad that my mom wasn’t coming back so we where the revenge. Most parents love their children so whats the perfect punishment for this us the children to be with held. Especially when they made the mistakes in the marriage to begin with.
I became one with his mind, his emotions until I finally thought what he thought. I felt what he felt I hated like he hated. I think this is confusing to other parent but we are now robots there is so much involved with this. Its a skill I tell ya. I eventually all of a sudden was getting material things that I never got before I was allowed to go places and do things I was never allowed to do before. This is all part of the plot. To a child getting all these things is great. But it serves a couple of purposes 1. I can do these things
that the other parent cant. 2. Your mom always didn’t want you to have it
3. To keep you off track of whats going. This does happen don’t be fooled more often than you think. I fell into this. It all part of mind control.
This is ultimate betrayal to the child and we are so warped in the mind we don’t know it. It carries into adult hood it lingers like a dark cloud. It crushes the internal spirit of childhood with hate and enraged anger toward the victim parent. Its a punishment we don’t deserve but we live. He made me believe he was the victim. He was wounded. Its all about him. he transformed my life there is much more to this story. As an adult I carry this weight. I eventually was thrown to the curb by him when I guess I was no longer needed. But for many years until recently his words come to mind and I think was he right knowing full well that my mother is none of the beastly things he had me believe. I became an angry person with walls so built up around id never let anyone in. I would not be vulnerable to be hurt. My moms and I relationship has been rocky and has needed alot of work but now shes my best friend, supporter, hero, and most important loving mother. I carried a burden of a broken marriage of hatred to another person it has formed me to be who Iam today finally letting go some of the pieces trying to figure out who i am without hurt.
If you are able to make contact with your child take it slow don’t rush even when your heart says now. They have walls they where trained that way. They have anger they where trained that way. they where in hatred boot camp for many years. If you push to hard they will get defensive and you’ll start from scratch if ever. They as much as they say NO they want you they want to know they are loved it sounds sick but its in there somewhere. but DON’T PUSH. They are controlled by a force thats webbed around them they just dont know it. They are hurt crushed lost and traumatised. They might say awful things to you I did to my mom. Things that will break your heart and they know it will buts the anger the brainwashing the robot inside of them. I asked myself even when my relationship seemed good was he right. The mental thoughts are scars but scars heal. It takes time. There is hope it might takes days months even years but what comes around goes around. I have loosened my grip on the hold this man has on my life. At times I still feel abused by him especially since I dont have my brothers. I love my mother and I’m grateful to have the relationship I have with her. She has a heart of gold and never deserved any of this all she did was say enough and for this shes payed the highest cost. The thing she cherishes the most was taken from her motherhood. My brothers are still locked into this betrayal i havent seen them in 17 years. I miss them and love them. My mother has not seem them either. I once was the alienator now Im the alienatee. It hurts. I did nothing wrong neither did my mother.. Its also not your child’s fault they are the true victims of all of this. Please pray that my brothers will find their way home to the place where they are missed and loved…..
Remember PAS is child abuse. You have read just a glimpse of my heart if you have any ?s let me know. This includes parents that want to know about a child point of you. A person that has been the victim achild or adult that needs to talk your not alone I feel your pain. Everyone. If you are reading this and you are the person causing PAS to a family please read and reread its never to late to turn things around because later you might be the one standing alone. Its hurting the kids more than the victim parent.
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